I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
