She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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