i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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