Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
How external is "for external use only"?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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