I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
