Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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