just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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