eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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