god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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