im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize