We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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