too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
