I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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