i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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