and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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