He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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