she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
