How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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