they need to just BURY HIM!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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