i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
