thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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