She just used a chaser for red wine.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
