Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
