I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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