please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
