Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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