she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
