wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize