who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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