i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize