Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
