Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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