i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
