i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
