There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
from now on my penis is your penis
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
