It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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