the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize