Whod you bang
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
