I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
