i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
