I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Pooping to opera.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
