Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
