Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
