I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
