Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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