Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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