Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
