in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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