shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
