I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
