I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
