Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize