Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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