Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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