I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
