I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just want to make out with him forever
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
