My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
