the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
