Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
